painfully honest.

this is a very honest post. from me. to you.

note to reader: i do not like to talk about my feelings. just ask my husband.

as b's first birthday rapidly approaches, i have mixed emotions. that sounds weird, right? well, i felt weird attempting to explain that to my husband yesterday.

your child's birthday should equal happy memories. fond recollections. "firsts."

mine does not.

mine = sadness. uncertainly. pain.

i shared with chris yesterday that i have a huge amount of GUILT on my plate right now. i am BLESSED to have my son, healthy and whole and safe.

but as his birthday gets closer, i remember.

i remember my c-section and the nurses making chris rush him out of the operating room while i sat there not knowing what was happening. i remember getting to see him once through the glass the day he was born. the next day, finally able to touch his head and tell him goodbye as they loaded him onto an ambulance. that night, checking myself out of the hospital as quickly as i could so i could tell him goodbye again as they loaded him onto to angel one helicopter. sitting at the hospital day after day before i could hold him finally at NINE days old.

chris reminded me that much more GOOD came from our BAD situation than ever would have had that road not been chosen for us. people came to know the LORD. we were able to HELP others in their time of need. it strengthened our marriage.

life is all about choices.

im choosing to make new memories for us this january 13th.

i am CHOOSING to praise GOD for the path HE choose for us. after all, HIS will is perfect.