Faith

Today is a little different for me. I usually try and keep this blog light and fun and talk about things that I think people can find funny or enjoyable. Today I am sharing something much more personal, and that is very hard for me. I'm one of those people who don't like to open up to others too much because I have such a huge fear of rejection. But, I feel like God has laid this topic on my heart and I've fought Him a little too long on sharing...

Faith. It's such a simple word that I think gets tossed around sometimes too lightly. It's so easy to say that you have faith in something. I know it is for me. But to truly mean it with your whole heart, body and soul is another thing. My biggest and most obvious struggle was with infertility. I told others countless times that I had faith that God would give us a baby. But truly, I don't think I did. No - I know I didn't. I wanted to think that I knew that it would turn out the way it has, but I know that I didn't - at least not until a few months ago.

I have a very hard time showing people my true emotions. When I say very hard, I mean it's like pulling teeth without Novocaine hard. I don't do it. Period. Too many people have used my emotions against me, to the point where I stopped allowing myself to show my feelings. I didn't cry at my own wedding. My husband did - in fact he cries every Sunday during Baptism. But not me. This started years ago, way before we started ttc. So I say that to bring you up to speed a little bit ... to where we began trying to have a baby.

I'm a total and complete control freak. I want things done my way or the highway (I've gotten a lot better with that though). So about six months after we started ttc I knew there was a problem...that may sound unusual but trust me, it was obvious. So I went to the doctor and we started Clomid. We made many trips to the doctor and then ultimately the RE. I knew that they would have the answers I sought...I mean, they are medical professionals. If they couldn't get me pregnant then it wasn't going to happen.

Then one day, my RE said that he was sorry and that our only option to ever have a child was IVF. Up until this point, anytime he or my OB told me to do something I did it without question. Clomid, Femara, HCG shots, Follitism shots, and HSG, surgery, IUI's...I did it. No questions asked, just how soon can we start. I had already researched IVF and knew that my insurance would give me $15,000 towards the procedure. We could easily do it. But when he said those words, I froze. I told him I needed to think about it.

Chris and I made the drive home from Tulsa and I was pretty silent (unusual for me!). I finally knew what my problem was. It wasn't that I had endo or that I didn't ovulate. It wasn't any of that. It was that I had no faith that God could do this without the help of a doctor. I told Chris I needed a break from all the treatments and he fully supported that decision. And if you've read my blog before, you know that I did get pregnant - that very next month, totally unmedicated, and I lost my baby. Now I'm pregnant again - the first cycle after my miscarriage and again without any intervention.

I think my miscarriage had a lot to do with testing my faith. In a lot of ways, it was easy for me to say no more doctors, I am going to have faith in God on this. But once you get pregnant and then that precious baby is taken from you, it takes a whole new kind of faith. Faith that there was a reason, a plan behind this. Faith that God will provide for you. Faith that God's plan is best, no matter what it may be.

So what caused me to write all this? The last two days I've not felt much movement from Brayden. It scares me. And every time I get scared I call my doctor. I realized that I'm falling back into a bad thing...So I came to the computer and I sat down, not really knowing what I was going to do. So I prayed. I rarely feel like God is speaking clearly and directly to me, but today He did. This will sound a little silly but there is a couch in our office and I felt like I needed to go lay down. I rarely sit on that couch and I've certainly never gone to lay down and rest on it (just because it seems weird to go rest in the office). So I did...and Brayden started kicking me. I know in my heart that every thing's fine but He just laid the subject of faith so strongly on my heart that I couldn't ignore it any longer. Nor do I want to.

Anyway, I hope that this post can be an encouragement to you somehow. Maybe someone out there who reads this is struggling with the same things. I'm not perfect, and I don't have it all figured out by any means. I still have such a hard time opening up and this was a leap of faith for me in more ways than one. But I hope it can be a blessing to you.